Okay, so I'm a Labrador, a Black Labrador. Did you think Black Labradors were stupid? Can't think, reason, work out which human is the soft-touch? If you do you should look in the mirror; now there's stupid! Anyway, I digress - uh, uh, here we go again, you think woof, woof, is the limit of my vocabulary. Oh, boy! Have we got a right one here.' |  |
Listen schmuck, we Labradors are carefully bred to a very high standard, can you say the same? We not only look good, but we behave impeccably, we even tolerate our own kind (within reason). And we never, unless very ill, pee or crap on the carpets.
My house companions are the old fella, who should probably have been put down years ago, and the boss lady who, rather sweetly, thinks I'm cute. Have you ever tried doing 'cute'? It ain't easy.
The old fella is okay when you're pushed for a bit of a cuddle, but he has a tendency to overdo the 'go and lie down' line. What does he expect? I eat, sleep, eat, sleep, it's very difficult to keep up that insane pace, occasionally I need that little bit of reassurance.
I'm digressing again, you must excuse me, but I think it essential to get down the basic facts, i.e., (do you like that?) I'm a dog and my companions are elderly…well…except the old fella, he's well past his sell-by-date.
It was like this, we were going to the seaside for the day, real crack of sparrow's wotsit time, but I got it into my head to see a bit of our surroundings, sort of go walkabout. Not, in retrospect, an ideal moment, but I didn't know that (no-one tells me anything), so off I trot.
First off I meet up with a rabbit, normally the hunter instinct clicks in and I would give chase, but this poor thing looked like it had Mad Rabbit Disease; it's eyes tended to bulge and it could barely amble let alone run.
"Morning." I said, all polite like, but the poor thing just looked up at me and whispered, "Please kill me." Well, that really threw me, but I can't stand suffering so I picked him up by the scruff of the neck and shook him until he was dead. I swear I could just make out the words, "Thank you.". I put him down gently, spat the taste from my mouth and carried on across the field.
Inside a small copse I came across a sort of odd looking dog lying on the ground, the reason he hadn't hightailed it away when he saw me was the cruel wire wrapped around a foreleg and attached to a stake in the ground. The fact that he couldn't run away didn't stop him baring his teeth; very nasty they looked too.
"Calm down." I said as quietly as I could, "You got a problem there, let's see what we can do." Looking somewhat surprised he closed his jaws. lowered his jowls and whimpered, "Didn't see the damn thing until it was too late." I nodded sympathetically, remembering the time I ran slap, bang into a tree chasing a ball. "It's okay…er…what are you, some kind of dog?" "Nah, I'm a Fox. Same family I think, but wild; know what I mean?" I didn't, but I nodded anyway.
Using my mouth I pulled the wire from the stake towards the Fox's leg and it eased through the loop holding it in place. With the minimum of effort Fox worked his foreleg out of the wire and stood up. Gingerly he tested the injured leg for standing. Looking at me he said, "You're a real friend my black hound dog. Thank you." "Nothing to it, but don't get stepping into anymore traps. Oh, incidentally there's a friend of mine a couple of fields away with a few hens, give him a break and leave them alone, right?" Fox nodded, "Consider it done my friend and I'll pass the word on." With that the Fox limped away until he disappeared into a hedgerow.
Feeling very pleased with myself I trotted into a wheat field of waving corn completely oblivious to the distant sound of a combine harvester.
It was only when the ground began to tremble beneath my paws and I looked down that I noticed the tiny Field Mice scurrying through the corn. "Hey!" I called, "What's the matter?" One very scared looking Field Mouse paused long enough to pant, "Look behind you!"
When I did and saw this huge monster lumbering towards me with flailing arms I damn near disgraced myself. I needed no further urging believe me. I raced after the fleeing Field Mice, overtaking them easily. Pausing ahead of them I crouched and panted, "Jump aboard, quickly!" They needed no encouragement and leapt for my back, clinging to my shiny fur with all four paws. And then I was off again, this time with at least half-a-dozen mice clinging to my back. I made two more stops for very tired Field Mice and one terrified Fox cub that was obviously lost; him I picked up in my jaws, gently of course. And we were off again, this time easily outpacing the monster and reaching the relative safety of the hedgerow where, wide-eyed and breathless we watched the monster lumber around in a semi-circle and clank away.
I placed the cub gently on the ground and crouched to allow the Field Mice to off load with relative ease. "Oh, please sir," stammered the cub, "Thank you, sir." A chorus of squeaky 'Thank you's' sounded all around me just as the Fox I'd rescued from the trap limped towards us, sending the Field Mice scattering in all directions. "Well done. My friend." Said Fox warmly, "Not only me, but my foolish son as well. You really are an extraordinary dog."
Had I not been black I would probably have blushed with sheer pleasure, "Think nothing of it," I dismissed with totally false modesty.
"Not a bit of it," said Fox, "I, my family and friends, owe you a great deal. From this day on this part of the world is your domain, none will challenge your right to roam wherever you will." To everyone's surprise a chorus of squeaky cheers seemed to echo from the hedgerow and the ditches either side. Fox smiled, "It would seem you have even more friends around, you've had a very busy day. But I think you should return to your home, unless I'm mistaken people are looking for you. I heard them shouting and they didn't sound too pleased."
Now that Fox had mentioned it I could, very faintly, hear the sounds of human voices. I took my leave of my new friends and raced towards the sounds of the voices that were becoming increasingly angrier.
When I did get back I got a right ticking off, the old fella practically going ape, I tried to tell them - there's me out relieving pain, setting free the innocent, saving lives and what do I get? A smack on the bum! It's a dog's life!
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