| | The Caesars (a tongue in cheek epic of the Roman Empire) Marius, Sulla, Crassus, Pompey, All made a bid the Empire to sway. But Julius arrived to cut out the rot And slit a few throats to cry "That's your lot!" He assembled the plebs and cried with salt tears, "Make me your Caesar and lend me your ears." Casca and Brutus sweetened his wine, Slipped in the knife and made him divine.
Cicero, briefly, took up the reins. Anthony caught him and opened his veins. A trio to rule they decided upon, But Augustus Octavian wanted just one. Anthony busy, with the Queen of the Nile, Was caught with his pants down and died without style. Aemilius Lepidus, third of three, Lucky in Carthage contrived to stay free.
Augustus the sage ruled cruelly they tell, Pulled by the strings of a wife straight from hell. Through age and false trust his attention did nod, Livia, the wife, made him a god.
Adopted by law came stern old Tiberius, Gay as a fairy, but terribly serious. At Capri in his villa he kept all his tarts, And had new-born babies to suck at his parts. The irony was to one steeped in sin, It was Gaius, his son, who smothered him.
But the sins of the father, it could be said, Shall ever be called upon that son's head. In the case of Caligula this never was so, He invented more sins than his father could know! Bestiality, sodomy, incest as well, A list as long as a book could tell. Mad as a hatter he finally paid, Skewered on the end of a Praetorian's blade.
Stuttering, limping Claudius came. Reluctantly called to that hall of fame. Good he tried, but found alas He'd throats to cut before he'd pass. Messalina, Clo Clo's wife Led a very hectic life. Shafted left and right and center Straight to Hell Clo Clo sent her. Agrippina, Nero's mummy, Slipped a drug into Clo Clo's tummy. Sitting on poor Clo Clo's deathbed "Claudius names my son." She said.
Drusus Nero, queer and rotted, Told the Senate to 'get knotted'. Musical and gay to boot All he cared for was the loot. Told the plebs had denounced perversion He fired the city as diversion. Evil deeds his doppleganger, Cut his throat to dodge the anger.
Galba next by deeds renown, Strict and brutal, himself did crown. Flabby Otho spurred by greed Had him slain, but foreswore the deed. Otho in his bloody path Took the mantle and the wrath. None can say what a King intends, As all discovered, when he slew his friends. Sick of Otho's heart of stone Vitellius' army fell on Rome. Short and bloody Otho's reign, Took his dagger and died in pain.
By spoils of war Vitellius came And outside Rome began his reign. Terrified of plots to life, Vitellius sanctioned rape and strife. Vespasian, by plebs demand, Took the crown and command. Vitellius still with firm ambition Fought a war of attrition. People clapped and cheered and hooted As the battle raged and Rome was looted. Bound and dragged Vitellius fell, Beneath a rain of stones from Hell.
Sixty-nine was a bloody year When Caesars three died in fear. Still within the twelve month span Vespasian became 'the man'. A half-score years were to pass Before another roused the mass. Vespasian's rule was long and sweet, A time to build and none defeat. A Caesar true of level head, One of the first to die in bed.
Vespasian's son, Titus the true, Pledged peace and love and joy anew. Not being cruel nor showing the fist, His brother, Domitian was allowed to exist. Two years, two months and twenty days, Titus ruled in that ancient of lays. When he died the people mourned, Twice as much had they been warned.
Domitian called the old times back, Rape and murder, cross and rack. Fat and gross he delighted To see his enemies and friends benighted. Drunken, sotted he could but stagger And died beneath an unknown dagger.
More Caesars came, more Caesars went, Some were good, some were bent. But none could equal in renown Those first to bear the laurel crown. Paedarasts, murderers, rapists these, Plumbing depths to make blood freeze. Enemies they took in stride, 'Twas from their friends they usually died. To Senate, people, soldiers all, A ripe round raspberry was their call. |
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